First Standard: Religion

Religion is the first foundation in choosing a spouse. This does not mean merely identifying as Muslim or speaking well. It means preserving obligations, honoring halal and haram, and showing the effect of faith in conduct.

• Maintaining the prayer.
• Honoring the Quran and Sunnah.
• Staying away from major sins and what harms dignity.
• Accepting advice when reminded of Allah.
• Truthfulness in speech.
• Modesty and concealment.

Someone who is weak in connection with Allah, careless with sin, or negligent toward prayer and rights should not be chosen merely because of appearance, wealth, or beautiful words.

Second Standard: Character

Character is no less important than outward religiosity. In fact, it is one of the fruits of sound religion. A person may speak often about righteousness but be harsh, unjust, quick to anger, careless with the tongue, and neglectful of people’s rights.

• Gentleness in speech.
• Truthfulness and trustworthiness.
• Control over anger.
• Respect for parents and family.
• Good treatment of the weak.
• The ability to apologize.
• Protecting secrets.

Third Standard: Responsibility

Marriage is responsibility, not merely desire. It is important to look at the other person’s ability to carry the burdens of life, protect the home, and fulfill duties.

The man needs the ability to provide and lead with kindness. The woman needs to understand the responsibility of the home, husband, and children. Both need reason, wisdom, and patience.

Fourth Standard: General Compatibility

Compatibility does not mean that spouses must be identical in everything. That is unrealistic. Rather, it means there is a suitable level of harmony in religion, character, thinking, and life goals.

• Level of religious commitment.
• Each person’s understanding of marital rights.
• How money is handled.
• Views on raising children.
• Relationship with family.
• Level of anger and emotional reactivity.
• Ability to communicate.

The Importance of Asking and Investigating

It is wise for the woman’s guardian to ask about the suitor, and for the man to ask about the woman and her family. This is not spying, but preserving rights and making a decision with clarity.

The questions should be directed to truthful and knowledgeable people, not people of backbiting or personal disputes.

• Prayer and religion.
• Character and anger.
• Trustworthiness in money and speech.
• Past relationships if they have a meaningful effect.
• Responsibility.
• Treatment of family and people.

Warning Signs Before Marriage

It is from Allah’s mercy that a person notices before marriage what may later become a cause of regret. Warning signs that should not be ignored include:

• Neglecting prayer or taking sins lightly.
• Repeated lying or hiding serious matters.
• Quick anger with insults or threats.
• Disrespecting parents or mistreating family.
• Manipulating emotions and entering haram relationships.
• Rejecting reasonable questions as if they are accusations.
• Extreme miserliness or extreme wastefulness.
• Irresponsibility and always blaming others.

A small flaw does not mean immediate rejection, because every person has shortcomings. The point is to beware of serious flaws that affect religion, character, and rights.

The Lawful Look Before Marriage

Islam permits a suitor to look at the woman he wishes to propose to if he genuinely intends marriage, while observing Islamic guidelines and avoiding seclusion.

The purpose is for the choice to be based on clarity and reassurance, not illusion or uncontrolled attachment.

Istikhara and Consultation

Among the greatest helps in the marriage decision are istikhara and consultation. A Muslim asks Allah to make the good easy, then consults people of religion, reason, and experience.

Istikhara does not mean that a person must see a dream. Rather, after istikhara, one proceeds with what becomes easy of good. If Allah turns the matter away, one is content with Allah’s decree.

Important Guidelines During Engagement

Engagement is a promise of marriage, not marriage itself. The engaged couple may not treat each other as spouses before the Islamic marriage contract.

• No seclusion between the suitor and the woman.
• Avoiding impermissible emotional overexpansion in speech.
• Involving the guardian and family in important matters.
• Not exchanging private pictures or secrets.
• Being clear about serious matters without exposing or transgressing.
• Remembering that what is halal begins with the contract, not merely with engagement.

Common Mistakes in Choosing a Spouse

• Putting beauty or wealth before religion and character.
• Ignoring signs of anger and mistreatment.
• Rushing emotionally before asking and verifying.
• Relying only on beautiful words.
• Accepting someone who neglects prayer or takes sins lightly.
• Ignoring the advice of wise and experienced people.
• Entering a haram relationship under the excuse of getting to know each other.

How Do You Know the Choice Is Suitable?

• Religion and character are visible.
• Prayer is preserved.
• There is controlled acceptance and comfort.
• The family is known for uprightness or good dealings.
• There is ability to communicate and respect.
• There are no signs of oppression, lying, or manipulation.
• The matter becomes easy after istikhara and consultation.