First: The Meaning and Ruling of Condolences

Condolence means comforting the afflicted person, encouraging him to be patient and seek reward, and supplicating for him and his deceased. It is legislated and recommended because it mends the heart, strengthens the bond between Muslims, and helps people cooperate upon patience and righteousness.

Among the most comprehensive wordings reported regarding condolence is that a daughter of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, sent to him informing him that one of her children was dying. He, peace and blessings be upon him, said:

"Indeed, to Allah belongs what He took, and to Him belongs what He gave, and everything with Him has an appointed term. So let her be patient and seek reward."

Agreed upon.

This statement reminds the afflicted person that creation and ownership belong to Allah, that whatever Allah gives His servants belongs to Him, and that every person has an appointed term that neither comes early nor late. Then it guides him to patience and seeking reward from Allah.

What Is Said When Offering Condolences?

The best thing to say is the prophetic wording mentioned above:

"Indeed, to Allah belongs what He took, and to Him belongs what He gave, and everything with Him has an appointed term. So be patient and seek reward."

It is also permissible to say words with a sound meaning, such as:

"May Allah make your reward great, make your consolation good, and forgive your deceased."

This is a good phrase mentioned by the scholars, but it is not a raised hadith in this complete wording and it is not obligatory to adhere to it. It is also permissible to supplicate with other words, such as: "May Allah mend your loss, strengthen your hearts, and forgive and have mercy on your deceased."

There is no single wording without which condolence is invalid. The purpose is to comfort the family of the deceased, remind them of patience, and supplicate for the deceased Muslim with forgiveness and mercy.

When Is Condolence Offered? Does It End After Three Days?

Condolences may be offered before burial and after it, in the house, mosque, road, or workplace, according to what achieves comfort without hardship or burden. They may be offered in person, by phone, or by message when attending is difficult or not needed.

There is no binding limit that ends condolences after three days. The hadith about three days relates to mourning, not to setting a final time for condolences. Still, if a late condolence will renew grief without benefit, leaving it is better. But whoever only learned of the death late or could not offer condolences earlier may offer condolences when able.

Etiquettes of the One Offering Condolences

1. Sincerity to Allah and intending to mend the heart of the afflicted person and lighten his calamity.
2. Choosing a few truthful words that combine reminding of Allah, supplication for the afflicted person, and supplication for the deceased.
3. Avoiding lengthy sitting if the family of the deceased is tired or busy.
4. Not asking the family of the deceased about painful details that are not needed.
5. Avoiding repeated phrases that increase sadness, or exaggerating in listing the virtues of the deceased in a way that stirs crying and panic.
6. Offering practical help when needed, such as preparing food, serving the elderly and children, and handling some family needs.
7. Preserving the family's privacy and not photographing the afflicted people or spreading news and details of their relative's death without permission.
8. Avoiding seclusion, forbidden mixing, and all other Islamic violations during condolences.

What Is Legislated for the Family of the Deceased?

Patience, seeking reward, and saying "Indeed we belong to Allah and to Him we return" are legislated for them. Allah praises those who say this when calamity strikes them and promises them mercy and guidance [al-Baqarah: 156-157].

Patience does not contradict sadness or tears. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, wept at the death of his son Ibrahim and said: "The eye tears, the heart grieves, and we do not say except what pleases our Lord. Indeed, O Ibrahim, we are saddened by your departure." Narrated by al-Bukhari.

What is forbidden is wailing, raising the voice with panic, striking the cheeks, tearing garments, and saying words that object to Allah's decree. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "He is not from us who strikes the cheeks, tears the garments, and calls with the call of Jahiliyyah." Agreed upon.

Who Should Prepare Food After Death?

The Sunnah is that relatives or neighbors prepare food for the family of the deceased because grief may distract them from preparing their own food. When news came of the martyrdom of Jafar ibn Abi Talib, may Allah be pleased with him, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "Prepare food for the family of Jafar, for something has come to them that has occupied them." Narrated by Abu Dawud, al-Tirmidhi, and Ibn Majah, and graded hasan by scholars.

As for burdening the family of the deceased with preparing meals for visitors, or competing in food and decoration, that is not from the Sunnah and may add hardship and expense to their calamity. Jarir ibn Abdullah al-Bajali, may Allah be pleased with him, said: "We used to count gathering at the family of the deceased and preparing food after his burial as part of wailing." Narrated by Ahmad and Ibn Majah, and authenticated by a group of hadith scholars.

If food reaches the family from relatives or neighbors, and some relatives or guests present eat from it without it becoming a public funeral feast, there is no harm.

The Ruling on Sitting to Receive Condolences

It is not legislated to establish an organized mourning gathering accompanied by feasts, group recitation, paid reciters, or special rituals on the third, seventh, fortieth day, or the anniversary of death. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, and his companions did not do that.

As for the family sitting in their home at a normal time so that relatives and people can offer condolences, without preparing food for visitors, costs, or invented rituals, a group of scholars allowed it. Others disliked it if it became a deliberate gathering and regular form, relying on the report of Jarir. The best approach is that condolences remain easy and brief, far from burden and from anything resembling formal mourning ceremonies.

Common Mistakes in Condolences

1. Believing that black clothing or a specific color is required for the family or visitors.
2. Specifying the third, seventh, or fortieth day for a gathering, meal, or special act of worship.
3. Hiring people to recite Quran or holding group recitation linked to death as if it were Sunnah.
4. Obligating the family of the deceased to serve food and drink to visitors.
5. Photographing the funeral or afflicted family and spreading images without permission.
6. Praising the deceased with what is unknown, or definitively testifying that he is in Paradise without specific evidence.
7. Repeating words that show displeasure with Allah's decree.
8. Renewing wailing and loud crying whenever a new visitor enters.

Second: The Ruling and Purpose of Visiting Graves

Visiting graves is legislated for men because it reminds them of death and the Hereafter and allows them to supplicate for deceased Muslims. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "Visit the graves, for they remind of death." Narrated by Muslim.

The Islamic purpose of visiting graves is twofold:

1. The visitor benefits by remembering death, shortening false hopes, and preparing to meet Allah.
2. The deceased benefits from the visitor's greeting and supplication for forgiveness and mercy.

The legislated visit is not for asking the dead for needs, seeking rescue from them, seeking blessing from their graves, or circumambulating them.

Etiquettes of Visiting Graves Step by Step

Step One: Correct the Intention

The visitor intends to remember the Hereafter, supplicate for the dead, and follow the Sunnah, not to seek blessing from the place or from the occupants of the graves.

Step Two: Enter the Cemetery with Calmness and Respect

He enters quietly, lowers his voice, preserves the sanctity of the dead, and does not laugh, play, or photograph graves and visitors in a way that contradicts proper manners or violates people's privacy.

Step Three: Greet the People of the Cemetery

He says the supplication the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, taught his companions: "Peace be upon you, inhabitants of these dwellings, from the believers and Muslims. Indeed, if Allah wills, we will join you. I ask Allah for wellbeing for us and for you." Narrated by Muslim.

It is also established to say: "Peace be upon you, dwelling of believing people. What you were promised has come to you tomorrow, delayed for a time, and indeed, if Allah wills, we will join you. O Allah, forgive the people of Baqi al-Gharqad." Narrated by Muslim.

Step Four: Supplicate for the Deceased

He supplicates for forgiveness, mercy, firmness, and elevation in rank, such as: "O Allah, forgive him and have mercy on him, pardon him and grant him wellbeing, and make him firm when questioned." He supplicates to Allah alone; the visitor supplicates for the dead and does not supplicate to the dead.

It is permissible to raise the hands in supplication sometimes, because it is established in Sahih Muslim that the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, raised his hands when supplicating for the people of al-Baqi. But this should not be made into a regular group supplication led by one person while the people repeat after him.

Step Five: Respect the Graves and Do Not Harm Their Occupants

He does not sit on the grave, step on it, walk over it, or lean on it. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "Do not pray toward graves and do not sit on them." Narrated by Muslim.

It is also from etiquette to remove one's shoes when walking between graves if that is easy and there is no need to wear them. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, saw a man walking between graves wearing sandals and said: "O wearer of the two sandals, woe to you, remove your sandals." Narrated by Abu Dawud, al-Nasai, Ibn Majah, and Ahmad, with a hasan chain. If the ground is very hot, contains thorns or harm, or the visitor needs the shoes, there is no harm in wearing them while avoiding stepping on graves.

Step Six: Leave Without Invented Rituals

The visit does not require a long time, a specific number of supplications, reciting a specific surah, placing flowers, lighting candles, or burning incense as an act of worship. The visitor greets, supplicates with what is easy, then leaves.

What Is Legislated After Burial?

It is recommended for those present at the burial to stand afterward and supplicate for the deceased with forgiveness and firmness. When the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, finished burying a deceased person, he would stand over him and say: "Seek forgiveness for your brother and ask that he be made firm, for he is now being questioned." Narrated by Abu Dawud, and authenticated by scholars.

Each person supplicates for the deceased. It is not established here that someone should lead a group supplication that people repeat in one voice, nor that a specific surah should be recited at the grave.

Prohibitions That Must Be Avoided at Graves

Supplicating to the Dead and Asking Them for Help

Supplication is worship and is not directed except to Allah. Allah says: {And the mosques are for Allah, so do not call upon anyone along with Allah} [al-Jinn: 18].

It is not permissible for a visitor to say to the occupant of a grave: heal my sick person, provide for me, rescue me, fulfill my need, or intercede for me, whether he believes the dead person does so independently or as an intermediary bringing him closer to Allah. Whoever directs supplication or rescue in what none can do except Allah to a dead or absent person has directed worship to other than Allah and has fallen into major shirk. Intercession is sought from Allah, so one says: "O Allah, grant us the intercession of Your Prophet." Asking a living present person who is able to supplicate is a different matter that is legislated in principle.

Praying Toward Graves and Taking Them as Mosques

It is not permissible to pray toward graves, prostrate near them, or build mosques and domes over them. The prohibition means making the grave a direction of prayer or a place of worship. As for the funeral prayer over the grave of a Muslim for someone who missed praying over him before burial, that is another legislated issue, because it is established that the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, prayed over the grave of the woman who used to clean the mosque.

Building Over Graves and Plastering Them

Jabir, may Allah be pleased with him, said: "The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, forbade plastering the grave, sitting on it, and building over it." Narrated by Muslim.

What is legislated is that the grave remain in the simple Islamic form. A permissible marker may be placed to identify the grave without exaggeration, decoration, or glorification.

Slaughtering, Vowing, and Circumambulating at Graves

Slaughtering and vows are acts of worship for Allah alone, and tawaf is an act of worship specific to the Ka'bah. It is not permissible to slaughter for the occupant of a grave, vow to him, circumambulate his grave, rub it, or seek blessing from its soil or structure.

Specifying a Day or Time Not Specified by the Shariah

It is not established that Friday, Eid, or the anniversary of death has a special virtue for visiting graves. Whoever visits at a suitable time without believing that this day has a special virtue, there is no harm. But creating a religious habit tied to a time without evidence is not legislated.

Traveling to Glorify a Specific Grave

It is not legislated to undertake a journey to graves and shrines for the purpose of worshiping there or seeking blessing from them. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "No journey is undertaken except to three mosques: al-Masjid al-Haram, this mosque of mine, and al-Masjid al-Aqsa." Agreed upon.

The Ruling on Reciting Quran at Graves

It is not established that the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, would recite al-Fatihah, Ya-Sin, or other surahs when visiting graves, nor that he directed his companions to make recitation part of the adhkar of visiting. Therefore, a group of scholars held that the Sunnah is limited to greeting, supplication, and taking admonition. This is the clearer and safer view.

The jurists differed about the basic issue of reciting Quran at the grave and whether its reward reaches the deceased, so juristic opinions should not be attributed to consensus. But recitation at the grave should not be made a regular habit or ritual of visiting, and no specific surah should be specified without authentic evidence.

The Ruling on Women Visiting Graves

The scholars differed on this issue. A group held that women are prohibited from deliberately visiting cemeteries, citing the hadith: "The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, cursed women who frequently visit graves." Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah, and Ahmad, and al-Tirmidhi said: hasan sahih.

Others held that a non-frequent visit is permissible for a woman if she is safe from panic, wailing, display, and fitnah. They understood some narrations of prohibition as referring to frequent visiting, and cited general evidence and the hadith of the woman whom the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, advised at a grave and did not command her to leave it.

The closer and more cautious view in this article is that a woman should not deliberately go to cemeteries for visiting, acting upon the hadiths of curse and leaving the disagreement. She may pray the funeral prayer and supplicate for the deceased from her home or anywhere else, because supplication does not require standing at the grave. As for merely passing by a cemetery for a need without intending a visit, there is no harm, and according to this view she should not stop at graves to visit them.

Visiting the Grave of a Non-Muslim

It is permissible to take admonition by visiting the grave of a non-Muslim, but he is not greeted with the greeting of Muslim graves, and it is not permissible to seek forgiveness or mercy for him after he died upon other than Islam. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "I asked my Lord for permission to seek forgiveness for my mother, but He did not permit me. And I asked Him for permission to visit her grave, and He permitted me." Narrated by Muslim.